


It Isn't That

by meyari



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Anger, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Near Death Experience, loss of self
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-19
Updated: 2012-04-19
Packaged: 2017-11-03 22:25:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/386642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meyari/pseuds/meyari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Angst War III on Tumbler: It isn't that Tim ever wanted to be Robin but he did become Robin. Once he did everything changed, especially him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Isn't That

It isn't that he wanted to be Robin.

Tim never had wanted to _be_ Robin. Never. He'd wanted to know Robin, to know the bright child-hero who had saved so many. The boy who had hugged Tim and made him feel normal for the first time. Later, he'd wanted to know the brash boy who took on Gotham's crime as if he'd never die. Between watching Dick and Jason, Tim had felt alive.

But then Jason died, leaving Bruce alone. Batman began to fall apart so there was no choice. Someone had to be Robin. It didn't really matter who filled the uniform as long as someone was there by Batman's side so Tim did it. He convinced Alfred and then Bruce, trained so hard that sometimes he could barely stand up straight.

Tim got lost inside of Robin, inside of Bruce, inside of Batman. It isn't that he wanted to be Robin, wanted to be the one in the green and gold outfit. Seeing Robin from the inside destroyed the joy he'd had at looking at Robin before. Before he knew the bruises Robin always, always carried, before he understood how fighting crime warped your ability to interact with people. Before he knew what it was to lie constantly to those around him. Before he broke bones, lost friends, lost himself.

No, Tim never wanted to be Robin. He had only wanted to preserve what Robin meant to so many people. Hope. Salvation. Safety. Good cheer. The future, a future that held promise instead of the unending grind of dreary Gotham.

Too late Tim understood that Robin was as much of an illusion as Batman. All Robin would ever be was the bright flash that distracted from the darkness Batman used as his cloak. Robin was the target set up to be shot down.

Tim just hoped that he'd manage to keep dodging the bullet.

+++++

It isn't that he feared dying.

Tim clutched the wound on his neck, feeling blood dripping down his gauntlet. Every thump of his heart equaled a squish of blood between his fingers. He tried to slow his pulse the way Bruce had taught him but his mind kept racing, pulling him away from the effort to save his life.

Robin couldn't afford to die. But it was Jason! Robin had to live. Even if Jason had cut his throat. Robin was more important than Tim so he needed to focus, needed to fumble the bandage out of his pouch and wrap it around his neck even though his free hand shook and his mind was wrapped in the chant of 'Jason, Jason, Jason'.

Catwoman came, taking the bandage away to make sure that Tim didn't die today. Robin didn't die, couldn't die. No, Robin never died. The person filling the suit could die but Robin couldn't. It wasn't possible, wasn't allowed that Robin ever, ever, ever died. Both of Tim's hands shook as he pulled himself back to his feet.

"You okay, kitten?" Selina asked.

"I'm fine," Tim said in the best approximation of Robin's voice that he could manage at the moment.

It was too weak, shaking too hard, but Tim wasn't Robin. He wasn't surprised that he didn't manage to be convincing. Jason was quite right that Tim was a poor replacement. No matter what he'd claimed back at the Tower, Tim wasn't good enough. He wasn't worthy, not compared to Dick or Jason.

Jason who was alive again, somehow alive. Tim wondered when Bruce would tell him to go. It couldn't take too long. Not with Jason back, if angry. No, it wouldn't be too long before Tim could go back to watching Robin and pretending that seeing the bright uniform made everything okay.

It wasn't that Tim had forgotten what Robin used to mean to him. He just knew that he'd tarnished the suit by pretending that he could be Robin. All he could do was hope that once Jason was Robin again people would forget about Tim's poor performance. Maybe then it would be all right.

+++++

It isn't that Tim resents Bruce.

Except that he does. He also resents Dick (he escaped, found his own identity, his own life), Jason (he's free, free to do whatever he wants), Steph (why couldn't she have just trusted him?), Kon (dead, dead, dead), Bart (gone and dead, just like Kon), his mother, his father, everyone.

They're all free. All of them have moved on, found other ways to live and here Tim is trapped in the suit that he never wanted to don. He resents that everyone else is somehow allowed to have a life, find out who they are outside of the Mission, live and die and be free.

But Tim isn't.

He isn't. Every time he tries to have a little piece of happiness it's snatched away. Steph, gone and dead but back again and she was lying the whole time. Kon, dead, so dead, and Tim couldn't even create a new clone who could be Kon's child or maybe even a new version of Kon. Even Bruce died. Except that he didn't which meant that Tim wasn't free, couldn't move on, couldn't find his own destiny after so long trapped inside of Robin.

It's been so long and he's lost so many parts of himself to Robin. Robin became who Tim was, until Dick took even that way. What's left after Robin is gone?

Tim thinks that maybe there's nothing left. He's not a person anymore. He's just a weapon, a tool, the sword at the enemy's throats, forever held back from making that last cut that would end the fight. A weapon doesn't get to say that it's had enough. A weapon simply gets used until it wears out, until it breaks. How can a weapon resent is wielder?

It can't.

Tim thinks that maybe this is all he has left of his humanity, that resentment and the urge to be free of it all. Not that it matters. He has a mission, one more mission that no one else can do, will do. He has to find Bruce and bring him back.

After all, what good is a weapon without someone to wield it?

+++++

It's not that he's forgotten what it's like to be human.

He just isn't anymore. Human, that is. Tim remembers what it's like to laugh, to cry, to worry and be afraid. He remembers playing video games and skateboarding. Kissing. Reading fiction. Doodling on his notes. He remembers how to be a human, how to interact with people.

Tim just doesn't do it anymore.

He can pretend to be human when he has to for meetings with customers and supporters of WI. When Tam's around he makes an effort, not that she believes it anymore. She's seen through the façade, the many facades, that Tim wears to hide the weapon inside. If Dick is there Tim lets himself blush a little and be shy as if he's still the little brother that Dick claimed for so long to love. It was just an act all those years. Dick doesn't seem to realize that Tim has seen through his act. Tim has learned how to pretend to be human in just the right ways for the Bat family.

Jason is never around anymore so there's no need to plead as if Tim actually thought it was possible for the family to be complete. He knows better than that. Damian only wants someone to surpass, someone to revile. Tim can be that easily enough. It's not hard staying ahead of Damian.

Damian is still human inside, for all that he was trained to be a weapon for longer than Tim.

No, Tim hasn't forgotten the simple joys of humanity. He remembers the pleasure of sleeping late with the sure knowledge that there was no need to get up. He can taste the food he used to eat, pizza and chips and soda. The texture and shift of jeans on his legs, stretching as he moves and sits and stands; it's not something he'll ever forget.

But Tim isn't human anymore.

He's Red Robin. He's the weapon that Batman throws against his enemies. He's the fingers and eyes and brain behind the keyboard. He's a staff breaking bones and a throwing disk breaking skulls. He's there to do as he's ordered because Tim isn't needed. Tim isn't wanted. Tim was never supposed to wear the suit or fight these battles. Tim is superfluous, a name and a set of traits that don't fit with the Mission, with what's required of him.

So yes, he remembers being human.

He just isn't anymore.

The End


End file.
